A New Beginning: Mindfulness Changed My Life
I remember reading about the neurobiology of mindfulness and discovering a sense of hope. Here were thousands of years of Buddhist wisdom backed up by the wonders of modern science—Eastern philosophy and Western medicine finally coming together to address my mental health challenges!
Within my first mindfulness session, I remember noticing the storm of depression and anxiety starting to calm. As time went on, I was able to regulate myself more easily and felt overwhelmed less often.
Mental Illness: A Healthy Nervous System Is Different from Healing
While I was making improvements in my ability to regulate my nervous system, I still struggled. Something was missing. I still felt that there was something ‘wrong’ with me—that I was fundamentally flawed. I felt so different from everybody else, watching others from inside a deep, dark hole where only my sense of impending doom and I resided. Everybody seemed to be enjoying their lives, while every day was an anxious struggle for me.
I was only 25 years old and had already experienced several hospital admissions from polysubstance overdoses and suicidal intent. Before mindfulness, misusing drugs and thoughts of taking my life were my last-ditch efforts to escape the jaws of mental illness and its companions – anxiety, panic attacks, overwhelm, depression, and isolation.
With mindfulness, I was coping better, but my life didn’t feel like it was better. This was a monumental difference: I was coping, but I wasn’t truly living.
Fixing Versus Healing: Why Your Intention Matters
The switch happened one day in meditation. When the monkey mind settled, I had a glimpse of insight that my intention for ‘getting better’ was actually coming from a place of ‘I am broken’. I sat in mindfulness of this insight, listening intently to my body. I could hear it, feel it—’I am broken.’
I sat in silence, trying to breathe through the hopelessness. I could only hear the stillness of the room, but the noise inside my head was deafening: ‘I am broken, I need fixing.’
I continued to mindfully observe thoughts emerging, ‘If I believe I am broken, then I must think I need fixing. But, if I’m wounded, not broken, perhaps I just need healing?’
Previously, people talked about self-compassion, but I didn’t relate. It felt out of reach, vague, something that existed for other people. However, the concept of ‘I am not broken, I am wounded and I am healing’ felt somewhere on the spectrum of self-compassion.
This opened more doors for self-acceptance, such as being gentle with myself, being kinder to myself, going softly, giving myself permission to rest, and not being so hard on myself. I was also able to begin to move beyond my trauma, rather than simply being a victim of it.
Noticing Underlying Beliefs and Thoughts
I realized the underlying belief ‘I am broken’ had hijacked my mindfulness healing journey. I responded with mindfulness to simply notice what I thought, felt, and saw.
I noticed that the ‘I am broken’ message seemed to take on a life of its own. It started convincing me of different things about myself—like ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘not worthy’—and constantly comparing me to others. I noticed it tricked me into thinking I needed fixing, that I required stronger intervention, that I was the problem.
I noticed harmful aspects of masculinity were blocking my healing journey, such as stoicism, fear of vulnerability, being harsh on myself, and going it alone.
I noticed I engulfed myself in recovery books at the expense of true healing—creativity, connection, and kindness.
I noticed my mindfulness practices had become inflexible and rigid. Worse, they were often accompanied by a critical inner voice.
I noticed my healing was driven by fear and shame, and I was disconnected from actually feeling.
The Role of Therapy in My Mindfulness Journey
What was particularly disconcerting was that I was actually training to become a therapist. I remember thinking, ‘How can you help others if you can’t help yourself?’ and ‘What kind of therapist needs therapy?’
My feelings of imposter syndrome made me question whether I had any right to help others when I couldn’t seem to help myself. But as a surfer, I realized that seeing a therapist who hadn’t done therapy was like getting surf lessons from someone who didn’t surf!
Getting therapy helped me consolidate my mindfulness practices. I learned that the belief ‘I am broken’ was a cluster of parts of my inner psyche. It was a response to traumatic events, designed to protect me in its own way. I couldn’t risk getting broken if I kept myself broken. Strangely, being broken was familiar, so it had a sense of safety in it.
Through therapy, I learned mindfulness isn’t just about ‘being present’. Mindfulness is more about setting an intention aligned with a value and being present with that intention.
The process was tricky as some of my values stemmed from negative beliefs about myself. For example, avoiding shame masqueraded as non-judgement, acceptance ran perilously close to disempowerment, and self-compassion deflected other responsibilities. Therapy helped me navigate all of this.
Importantly, I truly learned the limited extent of just reading and thinking about personal growth. I believe I would have found my own way, eventually. But having a therapist made it far quicker, softer, exciting, and enjoyable.
Coming Home: A Final Reflection on Healing and Self-Compassion
Our journey to healing and self-compassion is the most vulnerable, courageous, liberating, empowering, and connecting human practice that I know of. It can also be incredibly uncomfortable. The journey isn’t linear, and it may look different for you. Read on for some ideas that helped me, and might help you, shift from fixing towards healing.
Practical Tips for Moving From ‘Broken’ towards ‘Healing’
- Name the story: Whenever you notice ‘I am broken,’ try to name it as a story, not a fact.
- Shift the intention: Choose intentions that align with self-compassion, such as curiosity, kindness, or going gently.
- Watch for performative healing: If your healing journey feels fake, needs an audience, is rigid, punishing, or joyless, it’s time to reassess.
- Integrate with therapy: Work with a therapist to deepen your mindfulness practice, and use mindfulness to deepen your therapy work.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Resources
- Book: Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach. A beautiful blend of mindfulness and compassion for wounded parts of ourselves
- Podcast: The One You Feed. Explores mindfulness and self-acceptance through interviews with guests
- Video: Kristin Neff TED Talk: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion
- App: Insight Timer. Free meditations focusing on mindfulness, compassion, and more.
- Therapy: Consider Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to understand your inner voices better. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps remove psychological blocks, allowing your body to heal itself.
About the Author: Blake Johns is a psychotherapist and accredited mental health social worker based in Margaret River, Western Australia. Learn more about his work at www.blakejohnscounselling.com.
Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-holding-surfboard-1553958/
The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.
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