When Parents Disagree on How to Help a Struggling Child

You’ve probably heard the common myth that good parents are always in agreement. On the contrary, the Gottman Institute, an organization that researches practices of healthy couples, found that 69% of relationship conflicts are rooted in perpetual problems. This 31% is far from the 100% myth of “always” agreeing.

Many couples often clash over an action plan when problems arise, particularly with their children. One parent sees red flags waving while the other sees the situation as just a phase. Disagreements like that don’t mean the marriage is broken. It’s usually just two different parenting approaches rubbing against each other.

Arguing may often be seen as a negative. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Everyone brings their own perspective and experience to the table, and both deserve to be heard — whether the issue feels minor or urgent. When you and your partner (or even your child) disagree, try seeing their point of view as proof they care about the outcome, not as an attack.

To get on the same page, we must avoid keeping track of who was right or wrong in the previous conversation. When we keep score, we invite resentment to come into our relationships, which can drive a wedge between our ability to connect with one another.

Why You and Your Partner Handle Conflict Differently

The way we connect with others — and the way we parent — often traces back to how we were raised, whether we’re repeating those childhood patterns or reacting against them. This is called attachment: your internal blueprint for handling stress and intimacy. There are different categories of attachment: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-avoidant, and secure.

Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style have a positive view of others and themselves. They trust in and rely on their partner and are comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

In childhood: When they experienced distress as a child, they had interactions with a caregiver who is a reliable source of comfort and reassurance. Caregivers are trusted to meet the child’s needs, and the child experiences emotional regulation more quickly when a caregiver is present.
In adulthood: They communicate their needs effectively, handle conflict constructively, don’t fear being alone, and thrive in loving partnerships.

Anxious Attachment

Individuals with an anxious style have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. They often crave high levels of intimacy but deeply fear abandonment or rejection.

In childhood: The child becomes extremely distressed when a caregiver leaves and, upon reunion, may seek closeness but remain angry, distressed, or difficult to soothe.
In adulthood: They may require constant reassurance from partners, over-analyze minor shifts in a partner’s mood or behavior, and feel consumed by worries about the relationship’s stability.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Those with a dismissive-avoidant style hold a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others. They equate intimacy with a loss of independence and prefer to rely solely on themselves.

In childhood: The child shows little to no outward distress when the caregiver leaves and actively avoids or ignores them upon return, having learned that their emotional needs won’t be met.
In adulthood: They tend to keep partners at arm’s length, suppress their emotions, and deal with relationship distress by pulling away or prioritizing self-reliance over connection.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

This style stems from an unstable or frightening early environment, leaving the individual with a negative view of both themselves and others. They simultaneously crave affection and fear it.

In childhood: The child displays confusing, contradictory behaviors (e.g., approaching the caregiver while looking away). The caregiver is seen as both the source of fear and the supposed source of safety.
In adulthood: They often experience a “push-pull” dynamic in relationships—drawing people close out of a desire for connection, then panicking and pushing them away when the intimacy feels too vulnerable or threatening.

Working With, Not Against, Your Partner’s Style

When your child is struggling, your attachment blueprint might tell you to fix the situation immediately (Anxious Attachment), while your partner’s blueprint tells them to wait and see (Avoidant Attachment).

Below is a matrix I have created to make it easy to understand your partner’s style, stop poking the bruise, and, hopefully, start finding solutions.

If your partner is…	Their interpretation of the situation will likely be…	Avoid This	Try This Instead
Anxious	Feeling overwhelmed. Threatened – the situation reflects on the relationship between each of you, or you and the child. See the situation as a threat to the family’s stability.	Avoid ambiguity. Doing so can create a doom spiral for your partner and prompt panic. Giving the “silent treatment” or dismissing their fears to get some peace. Avoid dismissal. Minimizing their experience will only make their concerns louder in their head and can also introduce distrust.	Validate their concern, emotions, and fears; when emotions are addressed first, the brain is more likely to get through a stress response situation faster and then engage the pre-frontal cortex, or the logical and analytical part of your brain, to create solutions. Reassure. “I love you, and we are going to get through this together.” Set a time and place. “I see you’re worried. Let’s talk about this more tonight at 8 pm.”
Dismissive-Avoidant	Analytical, overemotional. Withdraw due to sudden conflict. Shut down because they feel unsafe or overwhelmed emotionally.	Avoid accusations. These comments generally start with “Why”—”Why do you retreat when I start a conversation about hard things?” This can also come across as jumping to conclusions. “The fact that you can’t handle this conversation shows me that you don’t actually care about me or our child.” Avoid sneak-attacks. Don’t share critiques during meals, work, or relaxation time. This will likely heighten their distress. Avoid chasing them. If your partner is withdrawing, let them. They are trying to regulate themselves; chasing them will only increase their emotional walls and distrust.	Focus on facts. Highlight the “we” of the relationship and focus on problem-solving. Shifting to emotions will likely activate feelings of unsafety and disengagement. Advanced warning. Give them space to process before discussing, such as “Would you prefer to talk about this tonight or tomorrow night and look at the facts?” Pause and revisit. Share your observations and offer to suspend the conversation if they begin to withdraw. This avoids feelings of being trapped and allows them an opportunity to continue to think about the situation. You don’t need to fix the problem in one conversation.
Anxious-Avoidant	Fluctuating between high anxiety and complete emotional withdrawal, which prevents your partner from showing their care and love for you and/or your child	Avoid resentful remarks or self-martyring. These often come across as shameful statements, implying that your partner is broken or unable to help. “Why do I even try?” or “You’re so difficult to talk to.” Avoid cornering them. Blocking exits or making yourself bigger physically or verbally than your partner creates a strong fight/flight response. You risk creating a situation where they will emotionally break down or lash out to protect themselves. Avoid harsh actions. Throwing a tantrum through yelling, slamming doors or cabinets, or using your body for intimidation greatly increases a trauma or heightened emotional response. Harshness does not facilitate collaborative and logical conversations.	Create clarity. Set clear boundaries and follow them. Provide emotional safety and keep your tone calm and neutral. Take a break if you are feeling triggered or high emotions. Use “us” language. Share reminders that the battle is between you both and the problem. “There is no right or wrong action here. Our goal is to support our child.” Establish anchor points. If they begin to disengage, panic, or space out, have phrases or cues to help them stay in the here-and-now. A touch on the hand or hand on the back (with prior consent), or reassuring phrases (“We are a team;” “We have time”) can also help.
Secure	Balanced, receptive	Avoid passive-aggressive actions. Saying you are one way when you want them to believe the other does not work, as securely attached people will take you at your word. “I’m fine,” heavy sighs, or loud noises to prove a point will likely only upset you further. Avoid games. Seeing if your partner will chase you or give in if you threaten a relationship change (i.e., separation/divorce) is manipulative. Your partner values direct communication. Avoid avoiding. Your partner will want to resolve the conflict; however, if the issue is pushed aside or expected to disappear, it damages your trustworthiness with your partner.	Be direct and real. Share your take clearly and honestly. “I’m concerned about XYZ issue, and I need your opinion.” Co-regulate. Share your feelings of anxiety or desires to avoid the situation. Confiding with your partner can help them know how to help you and not internalize your comments as jabs against them. Collaborate. Use open-ended questions (vs yes/no questions) to develop solutions. “What can we both do to shift our parenting of the child to show our support?”

Note: Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. With consistency and open feedback, you can move toward a more secure attachment together.

How to Actually Collaborate

If you’re stuck in a loop of “You’re overreacting” vs. “You’re ignoring the problem,” try these three pivots:

State of the Union Meetings

Years ago, I worked with a couple whose biggest fights weren’t actually about their son’s low school performance, but about when and how they talked about it. Instead of planning, they “sneak-attacked” each other in maladaptive ways to calm their anxiety. They would try to address action steps at transitions (i.e., coming home from work, during relaxation periods, during meal clean-up), or right before bed, when one partner was exhausted, and the other was ready to solve the problem. Sounds like the pursuer-withdrawer interaction between anxious and avoidant attachment above, doesn’t it? Instead of the distress being calmed, they would also have antagonistic feelings from the partner who was surprised to sort through. They were at their wit’s end, and almost every conversation ended in yelling, resentment, and disconnection.

Then it hit me. The problem wasn’t their parenting styles, but their timing and emotional response to the problem. I suggested a weekly state of the union meeting with only one agenda and with both parties allotted time to share concerns, facts, opinions, and solutions. Ninety minutes on Saturday afternoon, out of the house, and a babysitter with the kids. By moving the discussion to a planned time, both individuals were able to prepare and knowingly enter the conversation. Also, by holding the conversation in a neutral place, emotions were less likely to be activated or heightened than, say, a conversation in the bedroom or on the couch in front of the television. A plan was agreed upon for either of them to call for a break for at least 20 minutes, should emotions escalate. As a result, defensiveness and criticism decreased.

Seek a Neutral Tiebreaker

If you can’t agree on whether your child’s behavior is “typical,” stop guessing. Seek out information about child development, emotional, physical, and social milestones from reputable organizations and compare/contrast your child’s behavior with the information presented.

You don’t have to do this alone. Consult with a professional, be it medical (e.g., pediatrician, psychiatrist), mental health (e.g., licensed marriage and family therapist), or school-based (e.g., guidance counselor, educator, school psychologist, teacher’s aide). Let the expert assess and explore the situation. They are likely to ask questions you may not have considered. The professional can provide the objective data, so the “blame” is removed from the conversation, and the focus is on you as a team addressing the problem.

Run an Experiment

Instead of arguing over an ongoing problem, do an experiment, or short-term trial run. For example: “Let’s track the gaming hours for two weeks. If it’s over 20 hours a week, we will reach out to a professional.” Having a short-term plan generally creates feelings of empowerment for parents—the plan can be adjusted as more information arises, and they aren’t committed to a long-term plan where they don’t know many of the trajectories.

You could also switch off on observing your child’s actions by having one parent oversee behavior monitoring in the morning, with the other overseeing the afternoon. Alternatively, you could switch off between odd or even days of the week or weeks of the month, so you both share responsibility, and the task doesn’t fall on just one person. While many couples may mean well, the proposal of “We should do something about this,” generally boils down to “You should do something about this” in reality—and it’s usually the parent who is more affected by the problem.

For Co-Parents Living Apart

Here, coordination is even more vital, yet difficult because of the split. When the romantic partnership ends, you must transition to the business of parenting.

One way that works for some couples is to think of your ex as a business partner. You don’t have to like them, but for the company (i.e., your child) to thrive, the protocols need to be consistent across both households.

Why Consistency Matters

The Gottman Institute says that your relationship with your partner is the foundation for your child’s house. I agree. Kids don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who can help them feel emotionally and physically safe, as well as parents who provide a predictable, consistent environment. When parents are on different pages, the child lives in a world of shifting ground. When you align, even on small things like agreeing to see a doctor, you give your child a solid base to stand on.

Winning the argument isn’t the goal. Your child needs to see that, no matter how hard things are, their parents are looking out for them.

Need Support Navigating This as a Family?

Disagreeing with your partner about how to help your child doesn’t mean you’re failing — it just means you could use a clearer path forward. Reach out to a Resource Specialist today for free, personalized guidance in finding the right mental health treatment options and support for your family.

Contact a Resource Specialist

Image of Denise Vestuti, LCSW, rtor.org Clinical Director

About the Author: Dr. Bradford Stucki is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adults in Utah, Virginia, and Texas who have experienced trauma in their childhoods or trauma as an adult. Dr. Stucki also has expertise in treating anxiety and relationship problems. Dr. Stucki has specialized training in working with PTSD as well as couples issues. His private practice, BridgeHope Family Therapy, is in Provo, Utah.

Photo by sofatutor on Unsplash

The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.