Empathy: The Superpower You Can’t Fake but Can Learn

“Empathy is an umbrella term that describes at least three ways we connect with other people’s emotions.”

That’s how Jamil Zaki, Associate Professor of Psychology at Stanford, defines it. Put simply, there are three parts to empathy:

You vicariously catch the emotions the other person is experiencing.
You figure out why the person feels those emotions.
You care about what they’re going through and want them to feel better.

It sounds easy enough, but the impact it can have on your life is massive.

Why Is Empathy a Big Deal?

For one, it makes us better human beings. Even people outside the mental health world appreciate it. Former President Barack Obama said,

“Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”

Likewise, Anita Nowak, an expert on the subject, believes that by choosing to empathize, you create a moment of profound connection and understanding. What’s more, the empathy you give often comes back to you.

In other words, empathy is a superpower because it unlocks connections to people in ways that you would never imagine. You’ve undoubtedly had moments where you wished for a deeper connection with someone but didn’t know how to bridge that invisible gap. That’s one of the many situations where empathic communication can help.

Empathy matters everywhere in life, and there’s a lot of data to back this up. We know it matters in the workplace, as 86% of employees in a study felt that empathetic leadership boosts morale.

We know it matters in healthcare because it creates a 52% increase in patient satisfaction, and we know it matters in parenting, as kids are less likely to lash out and show aggression when raised by empathetic parents.

So, if empathy is as simple as reflecting a person’s emotions back to them, how tough can it be to fake? We could be empathic 24/7 and reap all these benefits, right? Well, that’s where it gets tricky.

Why You Can’t Fake Empathy

While the definition of empathy sounds simple, it’s an emotionally intense process for most people, and when you try to fake it, people can usually tell. There are three simple reasons for this.

First, the experience of empathy requires genuineness at its core. For example, if Claire, the cashier at your local store, seems sad and worried, how much do you genuinely care? You might feel sorry for her, which is sympathy, but do you feel genuine empathy for her?

Are you putting yourself in her shoes and trying to imagine what her life must be like? Are you then conveying your understanding to her naturally and appropriately? If you try to do so consciously over the next few days you will probably find it exhausting!

This is the struggle many mental health professionals face. According to the American Psychological Association, 46% of therapists suffer from burnout. Overwork plays a role, but caregiver burnout from the amount of emotional investment needed for each client is a huge contributor. The average person would rather save that energy for their partner, kids, and close friends. This is why people default to sympathy in everyday life, which doesn’t create the kind of connection we’re talking about.

The second reason empathy is tough to fake is that your micro-expressions, vocal tone, and non-verbal cues immediately give you away. A micro-expression is a very brief, involuntary facial expression that reveals a person’s true emotions, often occurring so quickly that it is difficult to notice on a conscious level.

David Puder, MD, host of the Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast, mentions how much he learned from observing micro-expressions in his daily life. For instance, he observed that when his daughter was hungry, micro-expressions of anger would flash on her face. Similarly, he’d notice them during arguments with his wife, and paying attention to them helped prevent things from escalating.

Perhaps you’ve noticed similar micro-expressions when interacting with people. Think back to these occasions. Could you tell when someone was bluffing or being disingenuous? You don’t have to be an expert to read these cues. Some people do it without even thinking about it.

Because of our continuous perception and evaluation of micro-expressions and non-verbal cues, it’s quite hard to fake genuine empathy. There will often be something about your tone of voice and non-verbal communication that triggers red flags of “This person isn’t being real with me.”

Thirdly, faking empathy often leads to a misreading of emotions. One of the most crucial steps in empathy is the identification of emotions and feelings.
It turns out this is hard to do when you aren’t genuinely interested in the other person.

For instance, a person might appear angry and frustrated about something, but the underlying emotion could actually be guilt or remorse. If you fail to identify those underlying emotions and only empathize with the surface feelings, your empathy will feel superficial.

Gerard Egan, an eminent psychologist and author of “The Skilled Helper,” a resource that has trained several generations of therapists, coined the term ‘advanced empathy.’ This means perceiving and bringing to light the deeper aspects of a person’s emotional experience.

Therapists often spend years honing their advanced empathy skills. When you’re good at it, the other person has a “Wow, that’s exactly what I’m going through, but how did you even know that?” moment.

The Path to Developing Genuine Empathy

If you were hoping to use shortcuts or formula statements like, “I understand that you feel “Emotion X” and “Emotion Y” because of “Z” Situation,” I’m sorry to disappoint you because they rarely work.

Empathy isn’t based on a language construct and doesn’t follow a predictable structure. The good news is that growing your empathic skills is a constant process, and you can improve it.

Getting in touch with your emotions is a good way to start this journey. Start paying more attention to what you feel and all the factors at play. How intense are your emotions? If you were to describe them aloud, what words would you use? These mini-exercises can help a lot.

Cheryl Delaney, a licensed professional counselor, explains that learning about others is a critical step on the path to improving your empathy. That means trying to connect with people by:

Actively listening
Asking open-ended questions
Refraining from giving advice
Offering genuine support

You aren’t going to become an amazing empath overnight, but I promise you, with time and effort, you’ll be able to accurately identify people’s emotions, grow your overall emotional intelligence, and improve the relationships in your life.

So, if you want to experience the transformative power of empathy, it doesn’t matter how old you are or where you are in life. Anyone can develop genuine empathy. It’s never too late to start learning.

Get our latest articles direct to your mailbox.

Join our mailing list for more articles written by experts, advocates, and people with lived experience of mental health conditions.

Get Tips to Your Inbox

About the Author: Paul Lazarus is a writer who specializes in the mental health niche. He holds a master’s degree in psychology and has a professional background in counseling skills, training, and pedagogy. He focuses on crafting interesting and illuminating content on themes of mindset, inner dialogue, and the countless quirks that shape who we are as individuals in society. Beyond writing, Paul is a classical violinist and enjoys tutoring students in his spare time.

Photo by Christina Morillo: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photography-of-women-talking-to-each-other-1181717/

The opinions and views expressed in any guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of www.rtor.org or its sponsor, Laurel House, Inc. The author and www.rtor.org have no affiliations with any products or services mentioned in the article or linked to therein. Guest Authors may have affiliations to products mentioned or linked to in their author bios.