Taking Back My Life: A Therapist’s Journey with Anxiety and Depression

It was 2016, and I was hunched at my desk, reading my therapy textbook. On the long list of things that provoked my anxiety, the never-ending academic to-do list was often at the top. I remember working so hard to suppress the rising panic that I felt trying to get through those paragraphs. If you’ve ever tried to suppress a panic attack, you can probably guess how this went. As the panic continued to grow, I remember thinking, “I don’t have time for this, I don’t have time to be doing anything other than this assignment right now”. But that’s the thing about anxiety – it has its own agenda.

From the outside looking in, I was doing great. I had gotten into my dream master’s program, the one I’d wanted since I was 17 years old. People often regarded me as the person who “had it all together” or who would “figure it out” when faced with hardship. Little did they know, I had been suffering in silence for years. It felt like no one knew me, mostly because I hadn’t let them. The drive, perseverance, and stubborn independence that served me so well in many ways were now my Achilles heel.

Starting Treatment and Facing Anxiety

That day at my desk was a breaking point. Sometimes it still makes me sad that it took daily panic attacks and feeling very alone in this world to finally get help. The irony of literally studying to become a therapist and being so stubborn about starting my own therapy is not lost on me. I researched counselling services at my campus, and the next day, I picked up my phone. Then put it back down again. Then let it ring twice before hanging up. Then I finally let the call go through. I can confidently say that call changed the trajectory of my life.

Flash forward a few weeks and I’m sitting in the therapy office, telling the therapist, “I get panic attacks and have difficulty regulating my emotions.” I reduced my experiences, not admitting or facing the roots of my mental health issues for a very long time. Going through this personally helps me feel empathy for the people who come into my office, not really knowing why they’re there, but knowing that something has to change.

I had an assessment and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) a few months later. This diagnosis led me to reflect on my childhood and all the gaps between then and now. As a kid, I remember getting sick most mornings before school, and it being attributed to something I ate. I remember trying to hide at family gatherings, but not being able to. I remember learning to act how people wanted me to, compartmentalizing all those feelings to help me do it.

I saw that therapist for the rest of my graduate program, and to this day, I believe she saved my life. At the very least, she played a pivotal role in building the foundation for the life I live today. I was already studying music psychotherapy, but it reinforced my desire to get into mental health care and niche into supporting people with their own experiences with trauma and anxiety.

Realizing the Deeper Roots of My Mental Health Issues

For the next few years, I learned enough strategies to get me by and bring the panic attacks down to a manageable level. It was better, but I still had lots of work to do. I was experiencing these intense oscillations between doing everything for as long as I could, then shutting down and having nothing left. In November of 2021, I felt the lowest I had ever felt. It felt like I was walking through knee-deep water to do anything. All of the systems I’d put in place to keep me going weren’t propelling me forward anymore. I tried to explain it away in any way I could. Maybe it was a vitamin deficiency? Eventually, I came face to face with the truth. It was a depressive episode. A bad one. When I looked back, I had been experiencing them for a long time, but had been overfunctioning through it. This time, my body was telling me it had had enough and couldn’t keep going like this anymore.

For the second time in 5 years, I had a major wake-up call that something needed to change. I was tired of my body forcing me to slow down instead of choosing rest. I realized my worth depended on my productivity, from years of trauma and difficult experiences stripping away my inherent sense of worth. It became clear that to live the version of life I truly wanted, I needed to decouple my sense of worth from what I accomplish. With time, I allowed myself to slow down, to take breaks, and to enjoy things simply for the pleasure of it. I learned to loosen the reins on my own life.

Understanding Traumatic Wisdom

In trauma recovery, there’s a term called “traumatic wisdom.” Trauma can make you strong, but only if you have what you need to process and heal. I remember the years I built walls around my experiences so no one could get in, including myself. There was no traumatic wisdom coming from that way of coping, just past pain implicitly running my life. The courageous act of dismantling the wall alongside the people I trusted most is how I came to understand the definition of traumatic wisdom firsthand.

Sometimes I wonder what the version of me who hadn’t experienced trauma would be like. Would she have been calmer and more even-keeled? More secure? Would she still have to watch herself so closely, so the anxiety and depression didn’t get back into the driver’s seat? Most days, I can hold the duality of never knowing who I might have been, while still believing that my experiences have made me a better therapist and human. Even with the mixed feelings I have about my past, I feel gratitude that the times when everything fell apart gave me the chance to rebuild in ways I never could have imagined.

There is no end destination for personal development, so my journey continues in some shape or form now. In many ways, I built the life I wanted: a loving husband, a beautiful daughter, and a thriving therapy practice. I feel so lucky to show up for people every day, in their struggles, in the mundane aspects of their lives, and in their wins. I work with people who have experienced relational complex trauma and help them unpack and make sense of these experiences. This often looks like supporting folks with their anxiety, with difficulties showing up for themselves, and with challenges believing they are inherently and unconditionally worthy. I feel fortunate to have had the privilege and resources to take control of my life, and now to support people in doing the same.

If you or someone you know experiences mental health issues, it is important to seek help from a qualified professional. Our Mental Health Resource Specialists can assist you in finding expert help and support in your community. Contact us now for more information on this free service.

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About the Author: Kathleen Skinner, RP, MTA, is a Registered Psychotherapist and Certified Music Therapist, working in Ontario, Canada. She owns and operates a group practice, KS Therapy Services.

www.kstherapyservices.ca

Photo by Antoni Shkraba Studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-white-long-sleeve-shirt-sitting-on-brown-wooden-armchair-5217852/

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