When Trauma Isn’t Yours: How to Heal from Inherited Anxiety and Break the Cycle

Janet was raised by a single mother who taught her very early in life that men aren’t safe. Unfortunately, Janet’s mother had been abused by a man as a child. Determined to protect her daughter, she refused to allow Janet to experience the same abuse. Janet never really had bad experiences with men herself, but still relied heavily on her mother’s advice and stayed vigilant. Janet watched and learned her mother’s ways of survival: keep people at a distance, always question kindness, and be ready for anything.

As an adult, Janet struggled to maintain romantic relationships and was perpetually anxious and guarded. Janet worried that she might never find “the one” and would end up alone, like her mother. Eventually, she found a wonderful man who seemed to genuinely care for her. She felt she had lucked out and married him straight away.

Over time, her husband turned verbally abusive. Janet began to hear her mother’s words echo in the back of her mind, but now she had a daughter of her own. Janet’s daughter began to watch and learn from Janet’s nervous talking patterns and erratic outbursts, and she herself became what many described as a “nervous child.” The cycle continues.

Transgenerational trauma can be defined as “a cycle of trauma that passes through families…Much like traditions, heirlooms, hair color, and secret family recipes get passed down, people can also inherit trauma” (Gillespie, 2025). As we grow up, we watch and learn from those around us. These figures could be siblings, parents, grandparents, foster parents, or teachers. Anyone and everyone is a walking classroom to a child. When that walking classroom is struggling with trauma, their symptoms can become contagious over time.

So, what are the symptoms of trauma? The Cleveland Clinic describes trauma symptoms as “anxiety, having flashbacks or nightmares, avoiding situations, places, and other things related to the traumatic event, heightened emotional responses, such as impulsivity or aggressiveness, persistent difficulties sustaining relationships” (Complex PTSD 2025). Even without experiencing the trauma firsthand, a person can pick up on these behaviors and adopt them as their own. Janet and her daughter are now both walking the world as anxious people.

It can be incredibly frustrating to understand why you’re anxious but have no idea how to fix it. Here’s what’s important to remember: this is not your fault. You didn’t choose to inherit these patterns. But you do have the power to change them. It’s challenging work, but it’s absolutely worth it.

Step 1: Own It – Recognize Your Patterns Through Mindfulness

Often, we recognize our symptoms but don’t fully believe we can change them. The first step to owning your recovery is practicing mindfulness on a daily basis. As someone who once dismissed mindfulness as ‘woo-woo stuff,’ I understand the skepticism—it took time before I saw real benefits. But at its core, mindfulness is simple: it’s conscious awareness and intentional acceptance of the present moment.

For example, if you observe that you feel hungry right now, that’s a form of mindfulness, listening to your body’s cues. If you notice that you are cold right now, it is also a form of mindfulness through awareness of your body and internal experience. In emotional situations, trauma responses often block out present-moment awareness as a safety mechanism. By intentionally tuning into what’s happening right now, you can override these automatic responses and make conscious choices instead.

Here is an example: Janet observes that she is feeling tightness in her chest and her breath is shallow. She also notices that she is fearful. As she looks around, she notices she is in her living room with her husband, but he is speaking to her in a harsh tone. She now knows that she is reacting to his tone, and her mind might be racing to figure out if she is safe. This simple act of mindfulness allows Janet to remain present and assess how she would prefer to respond.

In comparison, trauma responses (even transgenerational ones) would tell Janet to immediately run out of the room or yell back instinctively without allowing her body and mind to catch up to what is happening in the moment. So, if we want to make a change, we need to start by acknowledging the elephant sitting on our chest and becoming mindful of that experience. An online search for mindfulness practices and training will provide many options for anyone looking to get started today.

Step 2: Set Boundaries – Give Others’ Emotions Back

I have met many people (my former self included) who describe themselves as natural empaths and often feel the feelings of others at a very real, and sometimes intense, level. To be empathic means to feel what you observe in others, but problems arise when you absorb those feelings as your own.

This is a BIG part of transgenerational trauma. When we take on the feelings of others, it can become so overwhelming and painful that we start to distance ourselves from others just to avoid feeling bad. This isolation can put real barriers between us and those we love. Then we become depressed that we are so isolated, setting off another vicious cycle. This is the hardest part of recovering from transgenerational trauma—giving people their emotions back.

When you set an emotional boundary and allow someone to feel their feelings without absorbing them yourself, you both benefit: they get to have their own experience, and you can offer genuine support without losing yourself. When you’re struggling, you might want someone to sit with you, distract you, or challenge your perspective—but you don’t need them to feel as bad as you do. If the person supporting you becomes equally overwhelmed, now two people need help instead of one. When you maintain boundaries around your own emotional state, you show up stronger for those who need you most.

Bottom line: don’t pick up someone else’s emotions and wear them as your own. You rob them of their experience, and rob yourself of much-needed peace.

Step 3: Heal – Find Your Path to Recovery

Now that you know what you are dealing with and how to begin guarding against it in the future, it’s time to heal. Find a trusted guide, such as a therapist, spiritual leader/healer, support group, friend, or family member, to support you on your healing journey. If you seek a therapist for guidance, there are many forms of treatment available to people dealing with trauma symptoms, including EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), brainspotting therapy, somatic experiencing therapy, medication assistance, and talk therapies such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Spiritual healing programs and peer support groups are available both in-person and online. No matter where you live, you can now gain access to an entire community of healing. Practice being vulnerable to cultivate healing.

Remember: Healing Isn’t Linear

These steps are designed to serve as a framework, but please note that the process is not always linear. We sometimes need the boundary before we can own it. Sometimes we need the guidance of a therapist before we can begin. So please be patient with yourself and know that you will take the path your body and mind need most each hour of each day.

We all have parts of ourselves that we struggle to understand; sometimes those parts stem from someone else’s experiences, not our own. The result can be restlessness, mistrust, anger, unshakeable sadness, unexplained fear, and more. By owning it, setting a boundary around it, and seeking out the path to healing, you can become the change maker who positively affects yourself, your family, and everyone you meet from this day forward.

If you or someone you know experiences mental health issues, it is important to seek help from a qualified professional. Our Mental Health Resource Specialists can assist you in finding expert help and support in your community. Contact us now for more information on this free service.

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About the Author: Kim Hernandez is a trauma and addiction therapist in Denver, Colorado, who specializes in the treatment of trauma to arrest and change addictive behaviors. As the founder of 12:2 Counseling in South Denver, Kim specializes in inside-out healing that pays special attention to the body, mind, and spirit of every individual. Kim believes strongly in the human capacity to heal and remains humbled by the tremendous change she is honored to witness every day. Kim has developed programs to foster inclusion and growth within the recovery and mental health communities and continues to work closely and creatively to engage more people to actively participate in their own mental health.

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